A Million Open doors

(Originally written for the February edition of Toledo Area Parent)

It’s true what they say about your third child getting much different treatment than your first. Think about birthdays. It’s just so anti-climactic, isn’t it? You’ve been there before. You have other kids demanding attention, running around sucking up your time, energy, money and imagination just like that vacuum cleaner you forgot to run. Who has time to plan a party? Before we develop too much pity for the short-straws of our families, of course, there is a flip side to all of this. Your youngest always has more people singing her song because her big sisters are so excited to celebrate her life. Nothing like when your oldest sat there alone with his parents watching him eat his first birthday cake. Hardly compares to being born into a party. That said, we will save the topic of sibling dynamics for another day.

In our family our youngest child just turned 1 and I was again reminded of the word that comes to mind as a baby finishes their first trip around the sun: wonder. Every time I see a new born learn out how to pick up those little packing-peanut like treats (cleverly named “puffs”) or watch them grow teeth right before my eyes I find myself filled with wonder. I wonder how it all works? How does a mini human being learn to chew? How did they universally agree to play fetch with their parents one day? “You set the spoon on my tray, I pick it up with interest just before I drop it on the floor. You retrieve it for me and round and round we go.” There is so much about this stage of a child’s life that makes me wonder.

I also wonder about heavier things, about the future and who they are as people and who they will become. I wonder about who they will fall in love with and what instrument they will want to play and what clothes they will wear that will make their parents crazy? I wonder about their hopes for education and what type of career they might pursue.

Here is the truth: wonder holds the key to this whole parenting game we are playing. I believe, to try to cultivate and protect a sense of wonder toward our children is one of the greatest tasks we have. Often I refer to this concept in terms of certainty and curiosity.

Certainty is the opposite of wonder. When we are certain about who our children will become we lose the ability to wonder about their future. We simply fill the gaps, color in the lines and tell ourselves a fairy tale that won’t come true. The parent who lives vicariously through their children risks losing that life when their child takes a different path. We all know this to be true. Living through someone else, is no life at all. When I look at my 6 year old and marvel at how she is excelling in her piano lessons I have two options: become certain that she will keep with it, love playing her music for the rest of her life and go on to have a successful musical career. This of course is fraught with issues for everyone involved. Being certain about how your little one will turn out is like closing a million doors leading all different directions out of a belief that you know best. And, we see this all the time as parents of young children evolve into parents of adult children. Years of certainty and dogmatic belief in a future never realized causes frayed relationships and shattered expectations.

Now, consider what happens when we cultivate a curiosity about our children. If we can hold on to a sense of wonder and curiosity, we not only guard ourselves against unmet expectations but we leave open those doors to what is possible. They are free to explore and travel and meet new friends and form their own passions and ideas. This of course is the risk involved in every intimate relationship. The more I can remain curious of my wife’s changing interests, needs and desires the stronger our relationship becomes. Wonder and curiosity lay a healthy foundation in a family because they grant permission to grow and explore. And a bed of soil to sprout from, a nest fly from is what we all need.

Imagine if we carried this curiosity into other areas of our life as well? How might our relationships with co-workers improve if we left our certainty at the door and approached their perspective and ideas with genuine curiosity? This is the path we walk to truly understand another perspective. We need this in our political conversation as well. A bona-fide curiosity about the other side’s political convictions can help us remember the original intent of our democracy. We all need curiosity and wonder in our lives, perhaps most of all in relation to the little ones we have been given the task of caring for and believing in.

When we look at our children with the permission-giving curiosity that only a parent can, we create a space for our children to grow into who they will become. And in that moment we will find that familiar feeling of wonder that we created this person and we get to watch them grow and mature and walk through whichever door they choose. What a gift.

Surviving Election Year Holidays

[Kitchen Table Politics - December 2016] 

So there you are, it’s been a year since you’ve seen most of your family and your Grandma just asked you to pass the butter. You would love to but you are currently using the butter knife to pretend to cut through that awkward tension in the room from your opinionated Uncle who just said that about his favorite candidate. Your cousin’s eye roll was exaggerated, even for her, and your brother is going on and on because “this is what you get when you only have 2 parties.” Now, where is that butter? Right, it’s next to Grandpa who is sitting at the end of the table staring, silently, at his mashed potatoes. 

The question is: What do you do? 

For more than a year we have all been surrounded by the news of this year’s election. And even with the result being known, chances are pretty good that many of our relatives will take an opportunity to bring up their thoughts when we gather for the holidays. Whether its a random dig at the candidate they didn’t like, or parroting back the headline they read on the way to dinner or actually attempting to bring up an issue that matters in a thoughtful way, we all have to deal with these moments with our family. 

It would be easy to think about this in terms of what it it does for our children. We’ve all heard “our children are watching” over and over, so to attempt to model good behavior would be safe route to take. What we also know as parents is how much we learn from our kids. I think if there are 3 lessons we can learn from our children to make it through these moments with our family.

First, ask questions. Children are the most inquisitive, curious people we know and after the political season we just witnessed, we could use more of an inquisitive nature. We would do ourselves well to lean into our curiosity rather than resting on our certainty. Ask good questions. Questions are inherently respectful. Badgering, poking and baiting family members will only end poorly. Genuine wonder in the form of a question is an invitation to deeper understanding. When was the last time you asked someone in your family a question about what they thought about politics or current events in general? What if you asked the eldest family member “In what election did you first vote?” That question could take the conversation to new places. You might learn something about a family member that has been at every Christmas dinner you could possibly remember. That’s quite a gift. 

And, of course, it could all backfire. Your Grandpa could answer you and immediately mourn the “good ole days.” Well, you tried. So then we take another lesson from our children: Don’t take yourself too seriously. Just move on. The chances are pretty good that you’ll get another chance, or that someone will notice your intent and follow your lead. And what if you end up on the defensive? You forgot to take that bumper sticker off your car and your Aunt decides to confront “whoever owns that car in the driveway.” Simple, clear explanations are great. Sharing your values about what you think about the world is a wonderful opportunity with family, but not taking yourself too seriously will help. Trading in the soap box for a quick joke about your bumper sticker could be a useful approach. The point of the gathering is to enjoy family, have fun and eat a lot of food, not to change hearts and minds. Kids have that down. 

The last lesson we can learn from our kids to help us with our families is not even that political, but we need it now more than ever. Be where you are. Put down your phone, leave it in the car, in your coat, whatever it takes. I might even suggest employing a “phone basket” at the front door. Collect all the phones and watch how the gathering changes. Children do this so well. Kids aren’t thinking about where they want to be next or scrolling through photos of what the kiddie table looks like their buddy’s house. Wherever they are, there they are. So wherever you are, be there. The holidays will come and go, just like elections and scandals and aggregated polls, but our family, even with their strange, unexpected comments, will only be with us while they are here, and we should be too. 

Disagreeing With Dignity

[Kitchen Table Politics November 2016]

My daughter dropped her head as she walked back to the house. She just realized that one of the neighbor kids wasn’t rooting for the same Presidential candidate that she was. She told me the story. One of the kids repeated a line they heard from their parents and then my kid repeated a few things she has heard in our house. And of course in our neighborhood, where the signs in our yard stand in protest of the large parade of the other candidate’s signs, we knew she might run into this situation. Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? Or when it comes to politics perhaps we could say, “kids repeat the darnedest things.”

When my oldest told me about what had happened with her friend, I had to reassure her. “First, honey, it’s okay - your friend can’t vote.” Now, that may have been more for the benefit of my wife who was listening in. It was funny. But then I started to reinforce what we believe about this time of year, and what we believe about politics and even more fundamentally, what we believe about disagreement. “It’s ok when we disagree with our friends. It just means we have a chance to learn or to grow. Or we have a chance to try to get better at listening than we are at talking,” I said.

By now, she wasn’t that interested, but I was reminded of something central to parenting: kids are going to repeat what they hear. This situation was partly about how to handle the infrequent bi-partisan playground discord and it was also about our kids repeating what they hear. Our children soak up all of these words and sighs and eye rolls and commercials and tense moments talking with Grandma about how she can’t believe its gotten this far. They see it, they hear it, they breathe it in. And then they repeat it to their friends while swinging. But, you know what else they hear? They hear the questions we ask in the tone we ask them. They know what it means when we respect each other and they are capable of repeating that tone and showing that respect back to their friends. So, how can we best prepare our children for these interactions? And how can we best prepare our children for all of the interactions they will have after the immediacy and heat of the election passes?

While it is important for adults to prepare for November 8th and to consider who they will vote for, I believe it is important for us to prepare our children for November 9th. The day after the election. When the results are in, a winner is declared and yard signs and bumper stickers transform from signs of hope to souvenirs. That is the day that we really want our kids to be prepared for, right? After all, they always need to be ready to treat all people with the dignity and respect they deserve.

The way we do that, is by behaving in such a way that the reality of November 9th is front and center in our family life. That is the day we are all reminded that we are all in this together. Despite the past year of separation and line-drawing, once the votes are tallied, we remember that we are all on the same team again. Isn’t that what we want for our children? Isn’t that what we want for ourselves?  This grand experiment called democracy is predicated upon this hope and dream. We the people, we are all in this together.

So, as I look back at that conversation with my daughter I think I’ve learned a lot. And the next time around I trust that she will be more prepared and less disappointed to learn of her buddy’s parent’s differing viewpoint. And I trust that the next time around I will be more prepared. When can teach our kids we are all in this together, we all win, no matter who wins.

Including You Kids In The Conversation: Nourishing Bodies And Mind

*NEW COLUMN FOR TOLEDO AREA PARENT. FIND IT HERE, OR ALL OVER THE CITY IN ADAMS ST. PUBLISHING NEWSSTANDS.

I love my kitchen table. A few friends of mine made it out of wood used to repair the front porch of our old house. It’s one of those “trendy” farm-style table, but it was also quite cheap because it was repurposed from an intense building project. It seats around 8-10 people and will be in our house for a long, long time. Recently, my wife and I have been thinking about the role this table plays in our kid's lives.

We have three daughters and they eat and draw and read and write at that table. They also laugh and scream and argue and spill and smear food at that table. It holds a significant place in their life and whether they know it or not, it fills an important role in their development. How to clean up and how to have fun with your family.

And while they are learning manners and listening skills they are also learning how Mommy and Daddy interact with each other. Learning about conflict and resolution and sustenance and contentment and lack and want. It is the place our children are filled. We have some really great moments around this table. But what else could happen at this table? What else could our little ones be learning?

A few nights a week, after the kids go to bed, this table transforms into the space where my wife Lindsey and I discuss all different kinds of issues. Sometimes we’re talking about what homeschooling might look like in upcoming weeks. Sometimes we are talking about family and friends or what’s happening in the neighborhood or what bills we need to pay. Sometimes we are talking about current events and headlines and political candidates and campaigns. And while the subjects may change, around this table everything is in someway connected. Yet, we have found that sometimes there can be healthy, and not so healthy distance between the kitchen table experience our kids have and the kitchen table experience we have.

We want to merge the two. How can we talk about the issues that really matter to us with our kids? And especially in this election season, how can we talk to our girls about the political issues that matter to our family? How can we begin to merge those two conversations when appropriate and formative to our young children?

I think the best way to form some of the most central habits and perspectives in our children is to begin with those topics and issues that are most central to them. Want to talk about poverty? Talk about hunger at the dinner table and see what conversation emerges. Sure, it may be easy to talk to my three daughters about the possibility of the first woman president in US History, but what about crumbling infrastructure and pothole-ridden roads and tap water with microcystin? Go to the lake and ask them what color the water should be. Then start to explore how the water became that shade of neon green. The next time you are on a bike ride together ask them who should take care of the roads? All of these conversations, bit by bit, add up to something.

As we have started to try to explore these discussions, we found we need our children in this dialogue. They are the most creative, intuitive and imaginative people on the planet. Why not give them a shot at thinking about these things?

When we teach our kids, we force ourselves to become more informed. We gain perspective. By talking to our children we discover the issues that really matter. It is an active practice that forces us to be involved. It forces us to research and dig for answers to those questions your kids ask that leave you stumped.

“Kitchen table politics” is a common term in political circles referring to issues that immediately affect our lives. What is more immediate than our kids? What has a deeper effect than their well-being? What if kitchen table politics referred to the issues that mattered to you so much, that you had to talk to your children about it? What would that list look like for you? I encourage you to explore it